


For All Our Faults

by Darkheart_brightsmile



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, Post-Episode: s19e09 Gone Baby Gone, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28408701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkheart_brightsmile/pseuds/Darkheart_brightsmile
Summary: After Noah is rescued from Sheila Porter, Olivia Benson leans on the one person closest to her, Rafael Barba.
Relationships: Noah Porter Benson & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba & Noah Porter Benson, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 48





	For All Our Faults

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogue from episodes is in bold. Enjoy.

Olivia Benson had experienced enough heartbreak and hurt to last multiple lifetimes, but despite all of the horrors she had witnessed, been exposed to, been the subject of, nothing compared to the last few weeks since Sheila Porter had tried to take Noah away.

The nightmares were nothing extraordinary, she had also had plenty of those, after William Lewis she thought she had seen the worst images in her head possible, but visions of Noah disappearing were too much. One particularly bad nightmare woke her so violently she physically gasped, sweat falling from every inch of her skin, tears streaming down her cheeks. She could see Noah behind a glass wall, there was no handle, no door and no matter how hard she slammed into it she couldn’t break through. He was banging his fists on the other side screaming ‘Mama!’. Suddenly, the glass vanished and as she lurched through to grab her son he disappeared.

She looked over to see Noah still fast asleep next to her and carefully clambered out of bed making her way to the bathroom. Splashing cold water on her face she changed into clean sweatpants and yanked on a vest top, returning to her son, his presence soothing her enough to allow her to sleep again.

She had woken determined to try and make the most of the remainder of the year. Christmas, New Year, whatever they could do to make it feel normal they would do, but for now she just needed to get through the day.

***

**“I came here to talk to my friend about whatever she wants to talk about.” he gave her a compassionate look, “she gonna ask me in?**

**“Of course.”**

She allowed herself only a moment to watch them all, playing, chatting, smiling as if nothing had happened. She left them all sat around the coffee table and made her way into the kitchen busying herself making drinks and grabbing some snacks from the cupboard. She was aware of someone stood watching her and turned to see Barba, arms folded across his chest leaning against the counter watching.

“You want some help?” he hadn’t missed tense posture or the shine in her eyes as she had disappeared from their company.

“No, I got it.”

“Look, I can’t begin to imagine how hard this must be for you and Noah.”

Her words were whispered as her head hung over the counter, “I could’ve lost him, my own son and I couldn’t even protect him, how the hell am I-“ she cut herself off, and he sensed what she was going to say,

“What happened was not your fault, it doesn’t make you less of a mother or a cop that Sheila fooled you. Hell! She fooled all of us.”

She nodded. He moved closer, staring at her profile and tentatively placing a hand over hers. She raised her head and was suddenly aware of how close they were. He was rubbing a thumb over her knuckles.

“You are a good mom, Olivia Benson, the only thing you’re guilty of is trusting someone who betrayed you.”

“Yeah, so how can I ever trust myself ever again?” she softly whispered.

“Because you’ll overcome this, like you have everything else. Just give yourself some time, and let people help you.” he smiled gently.

“Like you?” their eyes met, her fear evident.

“Like all of us.” He turned to his head to the sofa to see Carisi watching them intently and when their eyes met the young detective quickly averted his gaze.

“We’d all do anything for you Liv, please just ask, okay?” his gaze was firm, unwavering.

“I will, promise.” she wiped her eyes and her free hand come to cover the one he was still using to stroke her skin.

Her voice was soft, and as she straightened up and she was surprised to find herself being pulled into his arms and he felt a muffled, “Thank you Rafael” whispered into his neck. Her hands were stretched around his neck hold him as close as physically possible, his arms gripped her back, one hand running up and down her sweater in an attempt to soothe her. The unique scent of her overwhelmed his senses, he couldn’t be sure whether it was her perfume, soap or shampoo but it was incredible. After what felt like hours, she pulled back and he cautiously swiped a thumb over her cheek to vanish a tear. She smiled and reluctantly withdrew from his embrace, her heart pounding in her ears.

“Now, did you say there was coffee?”

“Mmm, just put some on.”

They both busied themselves in the kitchen, trying not to read into their exchange any more than they should. She was emotional, he was just trying to comfort her, that was it.

***

Fin had gotten up to use the bathroom and when he came past the kitchen had caught the exchange between his two colleagues, he rounded the corner to see them wrapped up in each other’s arms. Olivia’s eyes were closed as she sighed into Barba’s arms.

Fin knew better than to interrupt, he wasn’t oblivious to his friend’s deep friendship and secretly wondered if there was something more between them. Apparently, there might be. Returning to the couch he gave no hint of what was going on behind them, only seeking to distract Carisi, Rollins and the two kids. Although Carisi shot him a look and Fin’s face gave a clear expression to say, ‘ _Leave them alone’_.

When Olivia and Rafael returned to the group bearing a tray of hot drinks and treats Fin moved to the chair to allow the ‘couple’ to sit next to each other. As they sipped and snacked, he didn’t miss how close they sat next to each other and smirked over the rim of his cup.

An hour later Fin declared it was late and suggested maybe they should all leave the Bensons to get to bed. Olivia was reluctant to see them all go but as Fin left, shortly followed by Carisi, Rollins and Jesse, she was secretly pleased that Rafael had chosen to stay. When Olivia instructed Noah to change for bed and he insisted his mom help him he cleared the coffee table and set about putting her kitchen to rights. When she still hadn’t returned, dishes done and kitchen tidy, he sought her out, smiling at the scene he discovered. Noah was almost asleep in his bed, cuddled into Olivia’s side as she continued to read a story to help him drift off.

She glanced up when he entered the room, smiling and patting the bed for him to sit down. He perched on the end and rubbed Noah’s foot through the cover, whispering “Goodnight, amigo”. His face broke out into a colossal grin when he received a “Night Uncle Rafa, love you.” in return.

He reluctantly stood and went to retrieve his coat and shoes when he spotted her padding quietly from the boy’s room.

“I should go.” he said softly, a small smile on his lips.

“I’d like it if you stayed for a bit, company would be nice.”

“Sure, if you want.”

He placed his shoes and jacket back down and plonked himself down on the couch, throwing his arm across the back of the cushions. She returned with a glass of scotch for him and a glass of water for herself, clinking their glasses together she curled up at the end, feet tucked under her knees and grabbed the TV remote. He wasn’t paying too much attention to what they were watching, a cooking show where contestants had been challenged to replicate a dish by only tasting it.

Sipping his scotch, he enjoyed the smooth liquid burning his throat briefly laughing at one of the contestants’ poor attempt to cook a mysterious dish.

“What’s so funny?”

“This guy, what is he doing? Clearly never cooked a Cuban dish in his life.”

“Makes sense that it’s Cuban if you’re so familiar with it.”

“My Abuelita used to make it for me, I could make that with my eyes closed.”

“Oh really? Didn’t take you for much of a cook.”

“Because you only see me eat take-out?”

“Pretty much.”

“I’ll have you know I’m a very good cook, Benson.”

“You’ll have to show me.” she smiled demurely, and he raised an eyebrow in response.

“Okay then, I tell you what, how about I come over next weekend and I can cook for you and Noah?” he downed the rest of his drink and placed his glass on the table.

“I hope you’re prepared to have him refuse to eat, we’re still in the fussy eating stage.”

“Trust me, he’ll love my cooking, you both will.”

“Okay, deal.” she grinned.

“Good.” his face lit up.

They continued watching, Rafael occasionally offering an insightful comment about the ingredients or skills, with Olivia asking him more questions or chuckling at his remarks it felt so, domesticated. Nearly half an hour had passed when he looked over to find Olivia fast asleep, her head resting on her arm against the couch. He pulled a throw from behind him and carefully draped it over her. Something compelled him to touch her, he was drawn to her. She looked so peaceful, no stress or fear, just pure serenity. He stretched out his palm to gently caress her hair and press a kiss to the crown of her head, he whispered ‘Sleep well, Liv.’

He gathered his things and snuck out, making sure the door was firmly locked behind him. When she woke up disorientated a few hours later to discover the blanket thrown over her, the TV off and the lights turned down she realised how much she had wanted him to stay and couldn’t be completely certain that she had dreamt him kissing her head as she slept.

***

For the first time in a long time, he was genuinely looking forward to the weekend, he’d made plans to see his mother for brunch on Saturday morning, tonight he was going to the Bensons, and work was the furthest thing from his mind. It had been a week since Noah had been safely retrieved from Sheila and Rafael wanted nothing more than to spend a few hours with the boy and more importantly, his mother. This was an apparent shock to Carmen as he packed up his office, grabbed his coat and told her she should go home as he was leaving for the night.

“But it’s only four...”

“I know, I have plans.”

“Oh, I see.” there was smirk on her face.

“Does everyone really think I have no social life?”

“You said it not me, but I hope you have a good weekend.”

“Thanks, you too. I’ll see you Monday.”

Exchanging a few texts that day had confirmed their plans, including Rafael asking if Pollo con Arroz was suitable, and after Olivia assuring him it was, he had made a quick stop for what he needed, including some wine and dessert.

***

Olivia watched as Rafael moved about her kitchen, confident, meticulous, occasionally asking where something was but mostly, he seemed to be enjoying himself. She took a second to appreciate his appearance. His brow was furrowed, and as far as his immaculate standards went, he looked, well, unkempt for want of a better word. The slightest trace of a shadow on his jaw, his hair mussed a few locks hanging over his forehead, his shirt had the top two buttons undone but his suspenders still in place, his jacket and tie had been thrown over the couch. He looked ruggedly handsome. He was good looking anyway, but now, there was something else, he looked.... sexy. She shook off the sudden thought, she condemned herself for ogling her friend, it felt wildly inappropriate.

“Wow, you really weren’t kidding when you said you can cook, you said your grandmother taught you?” she moved closer leaning back against the counter next to him.

“My abuelita insisted if I was going to be successful in life, I should at least be able to feed myself well.” he chuckled.

“She sounds like a smart lady.” her voice was gentle, smooth.

“She was. Smartest person I know, present company excluded of course.” he smirked.

A comforting silence fell over them and he discretely wiped his eye but of course, she noticed.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” she felt awful.

“You didn’t, I just forget she’s gone sometimes.” he shrugged his shoulders and focussed on finishing up their meal.

“Well, I think she’d be very proud, this smells amazing.”

“It’s almost ready so let’s see what you think of it.” he smiled.

“Noah, time to wash up.” she called out and went about making sure the table was ready. They all sat, Rafael and Olivia opposite one another with him serving. Within minutes of starting their meal, silence fell over the table.

“Can I press for a verdict please, Lieutenant?”

“Mmm s’good.” mumbled Noah.

“Noah! Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Olivia sported a frown at her son’s lack of table manners.

“Sowwy, Mom.” he still had food in his mouth, but the apology was well meant.

The all laughed before Olivia met Rafael’s eyes. “It’s delicious, thank you, Rafa.”

“My pleasure.” she picked up her glass and raised it to toast him, placing her hand across her chest covering her heart, to which he nodded and smiled.

The rest of the dinner passed in quiet conversation, Rafael made it his mission to make them both laugh and relax and at one joke he made resulted in Noah spitting his food all over the table, to which, rather than Olivia being irritated just made her laugh even more.

He watched her as she cleaned up her son and the table, hair falling softly around her face, a slight blush to her cheeks, her eyes as bright as ever. He hadn’t realised he was staring until she clicked her fingers in front of his face and said “Rafa, are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry, lost in thought.”

“Must’ve been a good thought.” she chuckled.

He held her gaze, a small smirk appearing, and his eyebrow raised, “It definitely was.”

If she wasn’t blushing before she was now. She cleared her throat and busied herself clearing the dishes. Noah was keen to help serve the dessert; Rafael had brought ice-cream in several different flavours including Olivia’s favourite. They adjourned to the couch, Noah curled up in the middle of the adults, Olivia opted for the Disney channel and the adults were just content to eat and watch Noah enjoying himself. Dessert devoured Noah was sent to change for bed and returned only minutes later, his favourite book in hand, turning to Rafael, “Uncle Rafa, can you read my story please?”

“Of course, amigo.”

Noah chose to leap into the man’s lap and Rafael curled an arm around him cuddling him into his chest as he started reading. Just over halfway through the story Olivia tapped Rafael’s arm and gestured down to her son. “Think you can stop now, Rafa.” Her voice was quiet again, the last thing she wanted was Noah to wake up.

“Should I be offended that my reading put him to sleep?” he chuckled.

“Not at all, he’s not sleeping well.” she sighed, her own eyes betraying her exhaustion.

“You both aren’t.” he said softly, sincerely.

“Gee thanks Barba, nice to hear I look tired and worn out.” she smiled to ease her own discomfort.

“I didn’t mean it like that, you look lovely as always, you just said you keep waking up at night.” he blushed slightly over the word ‘lovely’ and this meant she did too.

“All the time.” she whispered.

“Nightmares?” he had taken her hand at this point and was rubbing his thumb over her knuckles again. It was a familiar gesture from the last few weeks.

“Yeah.” she nodded slowly.

“Is there anything I can do?” his eyes searched hers, desperate to take away her pain.

“Honestly? Just what you’re doing, being here for me and Noah, I can’t tell you how much it means.”

“You don’t have to, I know, and I promise I’m not going anywhere.” It was unspoken that their relationship was changing, a flirtatious comment here or there, a gentle touch, a hug. Innocently meant, but there was something underpinning it all and neither of them were brave enough to bring up in conversation yet.

He grabbed her hand and giving it a firm squeeze he rose from the couch to settle the boy in his own bed. Noah stirred as Rafael moved, his head tucking into the man’s neck and his little hands gripping his sweater. They tucked him in together, covers pulled up tight around him, an extra blanket, and Eddie the elephant wedged into his arms. Olivia kissed his wild curls and whispered that she loved him before Rafael ruffled his hair and said goodnight.

Both of them cleared and cleaned up, working in a comforting quiet, moving in sync and with little words needed. Olivia went about making coffee and they chose to sat in the kitchen, hands wrapped around their mugs, sipping and smiling at each other. “Thank you again for cooking. Best meal I’ve had in a while.”

“You’re welcome, it’s a nice change cooking for other people instead of just myself.” he still had the most genuine smile gracing his lips, she felt her breath hitch and took another sip of coffee to steady her nerves.

The energy between had changed but when, why or how it had was unclear. It wasn’t fear that was throbbing through her blood, but nervousness, but about what she wasn’t sure.

He finished his coffee, cleared his throat and moved towards the door, putting his shoes and jacket on and shoving the tie into his pocket. “Well, it’s time to call it night, I have brunch date tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah, sure. Tell your Mom I said hi.” he could sense the disappointment in her voice. 

“Will do. Maybe I could come by after that, bring you some coffee and some of those cookies Noah likes?” he desperately wanted her to say yes.

“Sounds perfect.” she stepped closer, reaching out a hand to his shoulder and his hand went to the opposite side, rested tentatively above her hip.

“Rafa, I…” but she choked, she froze.

He pressed his spare hand to her cheek, slowly sliding down to cup her jaw, he moved a finger to her lips to silence her when she went to speak again. “Liv, it’s okay, don’t say anything else.” Her brown eyes peered at him curiously. “I’m gonna go.” he whispered, his palm still cupping her jaw.

She nodded, and he took a chance to press a kiss to her cheek. His lips were warm, soft, gentle, she could feel his stubble graze her skin. She sighed and let out the breath she had apparently been holding. His scent overwhelmed her, his cologne was intoxicating, she couldn’t identify it, but it was stunning, uniquely him, and he smelt fucking amazing.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” she said with their faces still ridiculously close together.

“Definitely.” he smirked.

He very reluctantly stepped back and grabbed his briefcase, pulling open the door he turned back to her. “I’ll text you after brunch.”

“Okay.”

“Night, Liv.”

“Goodnight, Rafa.”

***

‘What an idiot!’ he suddenly thought as he ambled down the street, he could’ve easily gotten carried away and kissed her. He berated himself for thinking even for a split-second of taking advantage when she was tired and emotional. She had looked exceptionally tempting, her lips, her eyes, her cheeks flushed, and that heat! The heat radiating even through so many layers was overpowering. Not to mention her scent - it was flowery, subtle, incredibly alluring.

By the time he got home he was exhausted, he just managed to throw his keys down and take his shoes off before he stumbled into his bedroom. He took none of the usual care with his suit, everything was discarded and thrown haphazardly over his valet stand. He crawled into bed in only his boxers, face squashed into the pillow the covers only partially covering his body and sunk into a restless sleep.

***

Olivia went to check on her son. She gently pulled the covers snugly around him, pressing a kiss to his unruly curls and whispering she loved him, she checked the lock on the door and headed to bed. As she undressed and slipped into her familiar nightwear, she began to think about her evening. Stood in front of her bathroom mirror she scrubbed her face, brushed her teeth and wondered what Barba was doing right that second. Was he thinking about her? Why was she thinking about him? They were friends, co-workers, last time she got involved with an ADA it did not go well. That was a part of her life best left forgotten. But Barba was different, she couldn’t deny the charisma and magnetism he had was incredibly charming. He was suave, sophisticated, handsome, his smile, his eyes-

 _‘Stop it!’_ she whispered to herself, this was ridiculous. He wasn’t going to kiss her, he wasn’t, and she wasn’t going to let it happen. No. No. Absolutely not. But as she crawled into bed, snuggling down and drifting off it was only visions of his face and that smile that began drifting across her mind.....

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first pic I've ever published so apologies for errors - it's completely unbeta'd. This came from my hatred of Barba's exit storyline and I wanted to explore an alternative to the aftermath of Noah's kidnapping, especially since it was in December and we had no exploration of Christmas/New Year in the following episodes. Please leave feedback if you can, and if anyone fancies being my sounding board/beta, let me know! Hope you enjoyed.


End file.
